A woman without any keys

Ten years ago, I left a secure job for…a new life. I had been stuck in DC and in my head, bound by a series of heartbreaking entanglement and imprisonment of fantasies. I had to leave as not to regret that I never left DC and stayed because of ‘comfort.’

I remember the day that I was leaving for the airport, taking a final look at the beloved little studio where I lived, I suddenly realized that I had NO keys. No apartment or house keys. No mailbox keys. No car keys. No office keys. No safety deposit keys. No keys. It was truly amazing, thinking that with a credit card and one suitcase, I could go anywhere in the world. I had put everything that I owned in storage, and with a one-way ticket, I began my Great Adventure – complete with water splashing kiddy pools, lines, disappointing shows, rollercoasters, too-sweet-giant lollipops and a cast of characters – but all for amusement. In a self-created sabbatical and then another one-way ticket, from DC, to Europe, and then to the West Coast – I went.

While in Europe, my daily routine was, looking to see where I’d like to go next. My only limitations were which Airbnb’s were available and appealed to me. It could have been Italy, or Scotland, anywhere. I loved eating kabab donner sandwiches in Berlin and living in an artist’s loft with real working artists.

I landed in Berlin, and then went on to London, Paris, Reykjavik, Prague, Helsinki. Then Seattle, Palo Alto, and San Francisco. Little did I know, how prosperous the next 10 years would be. How WRONG had I been about so many things, and how extremely blessed I would be about so many other things.

Ten years later, I return to this Blog, which I started around 2008. To be a blogger back then was something ‘cute.’ To be a vlogger these days is something really exciting…to me.

This year, I will take another sabbatical, and this time, I will know how to do things better. With more responsibilities now for family and others, I am a decade older, but the love for media has not subsided. This time, I will make it a point to listen to my Left Brain, while letting it take some control of the conducting.

Blogging has led me to meet a World Class perfumer in Paris. Blogging has also paved the way for me in 2022 – VLOGGING ALL THE WAY – HERE WE COME! Oh, that and Metaverse.

Ha! I’m back!

Well, after such a hiatus from being too busy to tend this blog – today, being sleep deprived and hoping to stave the sleepiness till at least 9PM, I am revisiting this old blog of mine.  So much has changed.  I am much older now.  Sleep that used to come in quickly, not is broken into parts in the middle of the night.  I have more grit.  I am not bad as a writer, because what I write is unique, and unusual.  This means that I will never be a famous blogger or an influencer.

UNTIL A BOOK IS BORN.  That is.  I love writing, because I love to create.  Writing is the most efficient way to create, at least logistically, so I will do more of this stuff.

It’s important to do something you enjoy, everyday.

*PS Feeling a little, actually, A LOT, nervous (but in a good way) about the BOOK.  How will it change my world, I wonder, but more important than that is how will it change THEIR world, her world, and The World.

I am wondering…God help me!

I am wondering whether someone would appreciate a message, about the death of his child, on her death anniversary. My gut says yes, my brain says no. And I am foremost keeping this person in my thoughts even if I don’t ever express it, for whatever reasons, even if they are good ones. What would you say to someone who has a birthday and a death date to celebrate at the same time? How do I know if my actions and thoughts are based on my selfish reasons, or more for the recipient of this message? Sometimes it’s just so confusing!  And sometimes it is a burden to be a highly sensitive person, which we never talk about in society because we’re not suppose to be sensitive and are suppose to be indestructible, resilient, up beat, successful, confident ALL THE TIME!  Give us a break!

Sudden change

A change has come suddenly.  Things have been developing, brewing, concocting, on the other side, but sometimes we don’t see it, or it has been kept purposely in private.

Sometimes things happen so slowly so that once it has crossed a recognizable threshold it seems sudden whereas in fact it had been insidious.

Once in a life time you meet someone who’s similar to you and speak about what you are, making you realize things that you didn’t even know about yourself.

Changes may come, good or bad.  I don’t like changes.  But we still crave the sensory newness of something challenging.  Highly sensitive, highly intuitive, shy but extrovert, “adrenaline junkie” but also “creature of habits,” all mixed in one?   None of this made sense until this book came along.

Someone has learned about the Highly Sensitive people, and her name is Dr. Elaine Aron.  This is a WONDERFUL book: The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive when the World Overwhelms You, that lets the highly sensitive people be ok with themselves, and once that is done, it is extremely liberating and empowering, such as feeling, hey, “It’s OK to feel overwhelmed after a party and needing to come home and sleep for 8-10 hours even though it was exciting to go there in the first place and see new things, meet new people, and taste new food.”

 

 

 

THE DEAD

Dear Departed, only you know what’s in my heart towards your loved ones who are still on this planet, and only you know how I feel without pretense.

Dear Departed, only I know that you have watched over me all my life. You are my Guardian Angels.  You have been w me everyday.

Dear Departed, there is more of you on the other side now.

Yesterday I saw a corpse. In a way I wish I had not seen him. l In a way I am glad that I did see him. The person had died while I was walking close by. His daughter sobbed and sobbed. The doctors and nurses updated us on the logistics in midst of what felt like a chaotic situation but in fact the logistics did not matter when the heart was crying and wailing.

I held her like how her dad would have wanted to hold her. I would not let her go. Strong embrace, locking embrace, not letting go, I held her.

I held her like how I had been held recently. There is no shame. No embarrassment. No stopping.  Strong, gripping, not letting go.

I put my hand on her scalp. And I told her that she was loved by her dad so very much. I am sorry. I am so sorry. Your dad loved you very much. She cried in waves.

The body is only a shell, whereas the soul has departed. What is this life? What is the meaning of this life? It seems futile and I am angry.

Anger: for having being put through the illusion of life, what a joke, to come, to love, and then to be taken away. All this efforts, only to end with nothing.

Is this life really just a dream?

I was woken up all night thinking what is the meaning of life?

People in my age group are running for presidents, taking risks, leading countries, raising children, all trying to be strong and carrying on, in this prime of life – suddenly finding oneself the responsible adult only to have face the questions that have become more irresolvable.

God, I don’t know to do this but who doesn’t learn how to do it sooner or later?

 

 

 

 

12 hours in Palo Alto, California

The 12 hour eating, walking, buying, gawking, pampering tour of Palo Alto, California

I LOVE LOVE LOVE PALO ALTO

1. Pizza My Heart – the Big Sur Pizza (then go sit in the public fountain and watch young techie and Stanford students for 20 min of people watching)
2. T4 – Grab an exotic sweet drink: Elegant Rose Royal Tea, or Avocado Smoothie tea, or even Sea Salt Caramel Mango tea (then go browse furniture in West Elm or Design within Reach the  or buy a mini skirt for yourself or your lover at American Apparel)
3. WholeFood Market – Get a spa water (water w mint and cucumber), check out the supermarket scene where a 1/4 watermelon costs $25 USD (then take a walk to Steve Jobs’ previous home (2101 Waverly Street, Palo Alto CA, and see the street lines residential area of downtown Palo Alto)
4. Lyfe Kitchen – Quinoa Bowl + Ginger Mint Chia, feel the Californian vibe and the start up scene, fresh herb gardens, and Larry Ellison’s hotel, the Epiphany across the street (check out the many start up headquarters in the area: Palantine, Houzz, Survey Monkey, MongoDB, go and make a treasury haunt to find all of them, feel the vibe!)
5. Stanford Dish Bowl – take your car to go for a 1 hour hike or run.
6. Pluto – The Martian Salad, substitue red onion w edamame, substitute the balsamic dressing w chipotle dressing, add on beets, 1/2 serving of dark turkey meat, add tomato and cucumber – guaranteed to be the best salad of your life.
7. Yogurtland – try the mochi topping, or Cream – get a baby ice cream sandwich made w a warm chocolate chip cookie and cold ice cream of your flavor of choice, or Scoop Micro creamery – lavender, bourbon vanilla w Carmel, or Olive Oil.  Try something new.  This is California, ice cream is a big deal.
8. Beam – watch remote presence robot to get one of your own!
9. Stanford Theater  – watch very old Cary Grant or Alfred Hitchcock movies in an old fashioned organ playing movie theater, cheap thrill.
10. The Wine Room – drink some Californian wine w friendly Californians.  My favorite Napa wine right now?  Magnificat.
11. Tacolicious – the carnitas taco is very new-Californian.  The whole tour is about Californian new wave San Francisco vibe, can’t you see.
12. Happy Feet – take your car to get a very good acupressure massage – look on Yelp for the best therapists.  $60/90 minutes, may be the best massage of your life.
13. Jin Sho – Finish up w sushi at Steve Job’s favorite restaurant.  Ask the Chef to bring you their choice sushis.  Get the Tuna-mushroom donburi too.
14. Rosewood Hotel – a 15 minute drive, good night, take a dip in the swimming pool at night.  You can stay at the Epiphany Hotel (in downtown Palo Alto), at the Four Seasons Hotel (just outside of downtown Palo Alto), but the Rosewood has the best spa and gym.

Hair washing

He drew a bath in a marble tub and he washed my hair.  Outside the traffic is faintly audible off Market Street.  Earlier I stretched out on my side and watching the lights of San Francisco.

In this place it is so quiet.  I turned around to look at him but and he didn’t look at me.  He was looking at my hair and his hands, at the task like it’s a very serious thing, something to concentrate on.  That’s when I fell in love with his looks like the first time I saw him in the hotel lobby.

At the ski house, the three of them cooked and cooked and 2 hours later, they produced a 10 course meal.  When guys are on mission, they are focused on getting it done.

The minute that I think, I like women more than men, I reverse.

The minute that I think I like men more than women, I reverse.

The minute that I think I like adults more then children, I reverse.

The minute my 10 year old music student looks at me in the eye, “Do you trust me!?” I fall in love again.  Then I think, “Ah, I love children more than adults.”

Why is there this need to compare?  To differentiate?

I am in love.  In my life, there are four people named John that I am in love with: 11 years old, 43 years old, 58 years old, and 60 years old.  Outside, the green Palo Alto spring tree branches are budding against my window.

Inside, I remember that night when the three of us we laughed into the nights at the Mammoth house.

 

 

 

 

Wisdom

What is the right thing to wish for?

Life

Prayer

My Friend.

I am with you in prayers.